Afraid to live

 I haven't had much of a chance to write. I had surgery at the end of February and have been dealing with writers block and home life since. I haven't heard back, so I am honestly debating on whether or not to try and self publish through amazon. But I don't know. 

This is what I want to do. But I think as a writer you need support. And honestly, I don't have much of that. My family well they all know I love to write. But can I make a career out of it? When I was a kid I use to think so. Now as an adult those childish fantasies are just painful to think about. I have my amazing children, but at 35. I thought I would have done more with my life. Become more. I'm disappointed in myself for being afraid. Disappointed that I didn't go after my dreams when I was younger. Yes I know I'm not that old, but I don't know. It's the fear of my own mortality I guess. 

In my world, age means nothing. People live for thousands of years so, dicking around for the first little bit is fine. They can do something later in life that is cool or whatever. But I don't get to live that long. And I have spent so much of my life afraid, anxious over things beyond my control. I hate that for me. I hate that for my younger self. 

I just have to keep trying. Keep moving forward and find what it is that I am yearning for. Just slow going. And a little sad today. 

4 weeks

 4 weeks since my second submission. They said it can take up to 6 months. So 4 weeks really isn't so bad I guess. It takes a lot of mental fortitude to send them out. But I have to remind myself that literally what is the worse that can happen? They reject it. And I will survive. 

I have not been good at keeping track of writing this month. My daughter hooked up the Xbox that has been lying dormant for a while and I have missed gaming. So I've been doing that. But the last few nights my brain has been reminding me of the project on hand, so hoping February is a bit better for writing. 

Gods and Gold

 I've got a bit of writers block going on right now. But any kind of writing i feel like it helps get things going. Even if it means making idiotic posts on my blog. So here I am, trying to get things moving in my mind. 

So why don't we talk about my life long series. The first ever written I named it Hopeless Reality. It seemed fitting. But I changed it by uses the thesaurus in word and it ended up becoming Doomed to Failure with each title varying on whom it was about. And if I'm being honest I really thought that would be it. Not that I was sold on that idea because it sounded, like a failure I guess. Either way, in all the drafts it is DTF. But only recently have I found the perfect fit. Which to tie into my last post about the second book being the original and only book until my mind just kept making more. 

It's funny actually. The blog I posted about ancient Egypt a few weeks ago. That being my inspiration for the original. I said what I really loved was the Gods and Gold. And my Title was born in that moment. It fits, and I'm surprised it took me so long to find it. But I did find it and honestly, I'm excited for the future.

My series has expanded now, to what I anticipate 10 novels. I've written six. But only two are actually ready. Plot holes are a bitch when you have intermingle stories from one book to the next. My husband says the editor is the one who should find those, but they are my babies, I should be the one, because I know what is a hole and what isn't. 

The first several books involve a lot of that. Later on the timelines are lined better. But I am struggling a bit with the next step. That could be personal life, or it just could be that maybe they aren't meant to be written.  Then again thats how I felt with Shadow in the light so, I guess I should keep going. Until next time. 

First Rejection

 I got my first rejection! And it sucked. But not as bad as I thought and I'm still alive, I don't feel defeated. Which is a shock. I'm proud of myself for putting myself out there. Honestly it's a huge step for me to have even made it to a rejection. I don't remember who told me or where I heard that every no makes way for that yes. So I will get there. I know it will happen.

I have kind of talked about my process with writers block and how I got my start, and my fear of rejection. Also about my inspiration for my series. But now that I have had my first rejection I kind of want to talk about my series a little more. Obviously I don't want to spoil anything so I won't give those away.

When I publish, for me it will be blatantly obvious that the first in the series didn't always exist. And honestly it took years to get it off the ground. I went back and forth forever whether or not it was necessary, if it would be just back story or if would hold up on it's own. And honestly, I'm really glad I got over the sticky mess that it was, to make it into something. But it was not a cake walk.

There are so many versions of it, so many starts that I could never finish because it would hit a wall that I couldn't pass. So I would start over, take bit's and pieces from what I did like and go again. Much like the second installment its origin is vastly different from how it turned out. But in a good way. I don't feel like I over worked it like pie dough. For me, it's just right. 

My fantasy world is intricate. In a nutshell it involves the universe. In a Star Wars kind of way with traveling at light speed. But magical with portals and worm holes. Time moves differently on different worlds. And that can get a little confusing. So if something is happening to someone on one world, they could be present tense on another world and have that be apart of their past, but it is also apart of someone else's future. There are a few times where things like that happen and honestly it does get a bit messy. But they all intertwine and well it works for me. So hopefully it is not impossible to follow. 

Obviously I know the ending to the series to it all makes sense to me. Which is why I need more eyes on it. Eyes to tell me if it's to much or not enough. Because it's my baby. And I am biased toward it. 

But back to the universe and time. How I have created is basic. The closer to the center of the universe, the faster time moves. The farther you are, the slower it moves. Time travel is not really happening, more world travel which fluctuates depending on what time you travel to said world. 

For example. Say for us on earth 2023 we travel to a planet toward the center of the universe and they are three hundred years old. And then you travel back to earth and it is still 2023. And then in 2024 we travel there again but now they are three thousand years old. And so on. 

But also there are those characters who can travel to worlds but also through time. So one of them could travel to a world from anytime and go to whatever time they want. So if they wanted to go from earth 3000 to that same world they could go when it first became a planet if they wanted to. Or they could go to the same time line that it is with earth. Which is way to much math for my brain to compute how old that world would be. But even for those time travelers. They can't cross their own timeline. Or alter it I guess. 

But for another example. Someone goes to another world, during a time when someone they are close with is still growing up. They get to watch them grow up, knowing what will become of them. But there is nothing they can do to change what will happen to them. Because they are apart of that person's present but also apart of their past. If that makes sense. I don't know I think it's cool but like I said, probably sounds more confusing the way I'm trying to explain it. 

super fun stuff. 

Well I kind of went off, I plan on adding more about what I am writing when I drop in. So whoever is reading, if anyone and you have questions, you can ask. But also I'm pretty okay here just talking to myself. 

Until Next time. 

New Years resolution time

 Growing up new years resolutions were my mothers favorite things. We would all sit down and write our goals for the year. I don't remember all of the categories that we had goals in, I think there was Spiritual, Financial, Mental but in total I believe there were 5. I just don't remember the others.

I am not a good goal maker. I got the Author's accountability planner 2023. And I'm planning on using it to it's full extent this year. That is my goal. To keep myself motivated. My kids are all getting a bit older and I have found a bit of time for myself when my youngest goes to sleep. So I'm hoping I can commit to writing at least a few nights a week as long as I don't spend it dicking off. Which let's be honest. That is super easy to do. 

What am I working on? Well I think I have mentioned in one of my posts about the series I have been working on since like 1999, 2000ish. It has come such a long way. Started out as one book that was forever long. I had a huge love for Ancient Egypt and that is how it started but it has warped heavily from that. The only similarities to that era is the gold and gods. But that is about it. So you know. Good start I think. 

It has now become a huge series with intertwining multiple people. In summary it really it just following one family line through catastrophic magical events. I wouldn't call it sci-fi as there is magic not science. But it does involve time/space/world traveling so that may lean into sci-fi. My universe is massive and leads room for more than just what I have planned, but that doesn't mean I'll go there. I have written and re-written 6 out of the 10 that I plan. And honestly at this point I don't know if I ever see myself having enough gumption to get it out of my own little bubble. 

Part of me is ready to share my world. Because I think it is awesome. But I don't know if other people will. It has dark moments, and good ones. It's not 'romance' or erotica. But love is apart of because well, I feel like love is important for someone to continue to grow as a person. 

So my plan for this year. Submit to more agencies/publishers. Keep writing. And stop freaking editing until someone besides myself reads it. That's my goals for 2023. We'll see how well I can do. 

Until Next time. 

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0BJ162N6F/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Writers Block

 Nothing is more difficult than having this epic story in your head and not being able to portray it on paper. Or on a computer I guess for that matter. Some times I have so many ideas that I can't sleep, cant think can't do anything but want to write. And other times, it's like pulling teeth to write anything. How do I overcome writers block. I don't. That's how. How I try, well these are how.

1: I obviously acknowledge that I am spewing subpar crap. When that happens, I get frustrated and I don't want to write anymore. When this happens what I should do is remember that no one reads the first draft but the author. So write the crap, and make it better over time. 

2: Back to the basics. Get off the computer where all the distractions lie. And take a pen and paper (this method works well when I can't stop thinking about what I want to write.) But a lot of my true first drafts are hand written (hand cramply written) haha. I'm hilarious. Moving on. I do find this helps, that way when I type it up. I'm copying what I hand wrote, and once my fingers start moving my brain starts moving and I can ad and adjust and change things easier than when on paper. 

3: This one is weird but sometimes it help. I'll interview my characters, to see if their worth writing about. It is a little silly asking them questions, because it's just me talking to myself, through writing. But it does help me to know if I should continue to pursue said story or if I should alter the story line. Or if I should just kill them off. It also helps me to build their voice. 

4: Self help books. In 2022 I purchased a book off amazon to try and kickstart myself to get out there and really push myself. It was called The Author's accountability Planner. I'll attach the 2023 version from amazon below. I really wanted this to help. And honestly if life had worked out at all how I thought it would in 2022 I would have continued to use it. But 2022 was not the best year. So hopefully 2023 will be better. Either way. Super cool planner, with motivational and helpful tools. I purchased it again for 2023 I'm hoping I do better with it.

5: I also purchased some world building/ fantasy books from Amazon. And as freaking awesome as they are. I haven't mentally had the capacity to use them. This last few months have not been good for writing, and I was hoping they would kickstart the idea train, but they didn't. However, I would still recommend them because honestly if your going big, you want to avoid inconsistencies and having everything in one place makes sense. I'll attach those as well. 

So what do I know about writers block? That it sucks. And until your ready, it's almost impossible to write. But just keep doing it, and know that it isn't always cupcakes and rainbows. Sometimes your writing is going to be awful. Like, really awful. Don't let it disparage you. Just keep going and over time, with dedication you'll get better. At least, that's the hope right? 

Until next time

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0BJ162N6F/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1946995525/ref=ppx_od_dt_b_asin_title_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B087367C6Z/ref=ppx_od_dt_b_asin_title_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B086PNWV5Z/ref=ppx_od_dt_b_asin_title_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

The Nerves

 I was less nervous getting married, and that is a life long freaking commitment. I don't know why I am so scared. The worst that could happen is no one likes my world. And if that's the case, well that means no one else will be there, just me. 

I'm going to do it though. I'm going to submit it. It will never be finished, I'll never read through it without wanting to change something. I just need to let it go. If no one takes it, no one does. But living in this fear is a little silly as an adult. Even thinking about hitting the submit button causes my stomach to turn. But I have to do this. For me. 

Short post. But this one is for me.